Holy Week: Fasting Finale?

It's Holy Week, which means I only have a few days of Lent left. Today is the weekday I have been forgoing lunch in an effort to spend intentional time in meditation and prayer. I'm not ready to give up my new discipline. I like the break from constantly thinking about my next meal and feel like I am growing by taking on this new exercise.

So today is not a final farewell to fasting. It's a day of welcoming and appreciating a new found rhythm in my life.

Lent 5: Being Neighborly

Last night was the egg hunt at church, which started with a "picnic" in the gym. All the families were spread out on blankets with food--well, let me clarify--the parents were on blankets with copious amounts of food (trying to stuff the kiddos before the candy onslaught) while the kids ran free like they had been caged for the last 48 hours. It was loads of fun.

There was a single dad (I'll call him TM for Tall Man) there with his 6 year old daughter. He'd left the three younger children at home with his parents. He had no food. I don't know the circumstances, but I feel fairly confident he didn't know he was supposed to bring anything. Whatever the situation, we invited him to share our meal with us. I had made some hummus, cut up some fresh carrots and strawberries, and brought along some crackers. Nothing fancy by any means, but there was plenty for us to share with our neighbor (especially since my 3 year old was more interested in running around than eating).

Anyway, my husband and I engaged our dinner guest in conversation--typical stuff--how long have you been in town? what do you spend your time doing? how long have you been coming to the church? how old are your kids? where are they in school?--pretty boring stuff. As we got deeper into conversation, my intuition began to nudge something in me to be careful about what I shared with this person, so I kept the chit chat focused on him. And like I said, my husband was there--he can talk to anybody about anything for as long as needed. So I let him lead the interaction for a while.

After hunting eggs, TM and his daughter (who hunted in a different age category than my son) appeared again to open eggs and find out what treats and treasures were inside. I got another twinge of that icky/something's not quite right with this guy feeling. I couldn't put my finger on it, so I wanted to share my gut reaction with someone on staff at the church. When I told the Children's Director that something in my intuition had an uneasy feeling about TM, she said I was about the fourth woman to say something to her that night. "Aha!" I thought. "Justification! I'm not the only one feeling creeped out."

Later, another mother and I were talking and trying to figure out what it was exactly that made us so uncomfortable. She then began to back up and take the traditional, "I'm so bad...listen to me...being so judgmental...I shouldn't have said anything...etc." I couldn't believe what came out of my mouth in response:
"No you're not. You're listening to your intuition, which is the Holy Spirit talking to you. Good for you for listening."

Really? Was it the Holy Spirit? Or was I simply trying to justify my own actions and dragging the HS in the middle of my stuff?

I do think that the Holy Spirit stirs within me and speaks through my intuition. It's wise to listen to that inner voice. I wonder, though, if I'm only listening to that voice when it feels like danger is looming. What about the promptings I get daily to check on a friend or say a kind word or do a good deed or rest my own body? Isn't that the Holy Spirit, too? Wouldn't I be a better neighbor if I listened all the time, rather than selectively?

So I guess I have TM to thank...for showing up empty handed...for joining our picnic...for reminding me to listen to my intuition. Neighbors can teach me lots of things, if I'll slow down long enough to listen.

Lent 4: Foiled Fasting

Today (Wednesday) is usually the day I spend by myself--in silence. It's also the day I have chosen to fast from lunch in order to spend more time in reading, reflection, and meditation. I went to yoga this morning, thinking it would be a nice addition to my regular schedule, and there was a beautiful guided meditation into a place where we "felt" like water and air. I really wanted to get to that spot. I channeled a powerful experience I had several months ago that included both water and air and the beauty each possesses. As I reflected on the experience, it was clear that I was working deeply on letting go. Releasing control. Maybe that's why I was presented with it again today.

Control has been a problem as of late. Life has been unsteady because of things I cannot control. And I'm totally sucked up into it. It's been too difficult to differentiate myself from the chaos that surrounds me. So I let someone else control my time today, and it totally put me in a foul mood. Then, I ate lunch. Sure, I said the Jesus prayer while chewing my super yummy salmon salad, but I was still sort of pissed off in my heart. Angry at myself for letting others have such influence over me and for not speaking up when my boundaries were being stormed.

I shared with a friend yesterday that I feel like I'm living in a Jerry Springer episode, and it does not have an end in site. While I think that adding in fasting for one meal each week and the Jesus prayer whenever I can is a good thing, I'm not finding either to be particularly helpful at the moment.

I'm thinking I need to set aside some time every week to sit in my own misery. Designate a space and time where I will wallow in all the crap that's been dealt me and leave it there. Sort of like the dump--a place I don't want to go very often, and a place I can leave my load of junk without looking back. Hmmm...a new exercise to explore while fasting. Maybe I'll start with dinner tonight.

Lent 3: Jesus prayer

I've been trying to incorporate the Jesus prayer more regularly/faithfully over the last week. I'm finding it relatively easy to add in to my yoga practice and occasionally when I'm "zoned out" driving in the car. At the advice of a friend I tried using it while walking , but haven't found a rhythm that works well just yet. I'm working on that. I've tested it in the bed--both morning and night--with deep breathing and find myself  distracted (by sleep, of course). It's been somewhat frustrating trying to settle this new habit into my routine.

But this morning, I came up with a great way to add this small prayer into my daily life. Chewing. Yep--each syllable gets a munch. Lord-Je-sus-Christ-have-mer-cy-on-me. It totally works. I chew more intentionally and slowly while reciting the prayer, which has all kinds of health benefits in and of itself.

This feels like a giant leap forward and a much needed centering exercise for me right now. Indeed, I am feeling the mercy of Jesus Christ in this revelation!

Lent 2: Roman, Greek, or Russian?

Here's the image that came up for me this week after a session with a client:

Here's the quote I put on my Facebook status recently:   

We are what we repeatedly do.  

Excellence, then, is not an act, but a habit. 

~Aristotle

One is Roman (at least by name and clip-art), one is Greek, oftentimes pitted against one another, but this week the two had a head on collision in my life and then had a little Eastern Orthodoxy from Russia sprinkled on top. 

I have vivid memories of the orange bag housing our weekly loaf of bread (or 2 or 3) on the kitchen counter in my childhood home and reached for that "healthy" Roman goodness everyday to make a sandwich. This was an easy thing for my mom to teach us, so I understand why it became our standard lunch. To this day, my dad still eats a sandwich for lunch--maybe not on Roman Meal bread--but the habit has stuck. When I get into a funk or a rut, it's what I go back to. And let me tell you, given the proper tools, I can make a mean sandwich. I have had years of practice. I am an excellent sandwich maker.

In addition to the trip down memory lane with the Roman soldier, Aristotle got me thinking about the habits I have in my life right now. What is it that I am repeatedly doing, conscious or unconscious? I don't really want to face that question, because there are a lot of things that definitely have achieved a level of excellence in my life that are not necessarily habits I'd like to continue. Like emotional eating. And skimping on my workout. And avoiding neighbors because I'm "too busy." And giving myself away to others with nothing left for my own family. And closing my heart to those around me. And comparing myself to "her" or "him"--because they're so spiritual/happy/generous/wealthy/good looking/smart. And beating myself up for not being as good as "her" or "him." The list goes on...

After recognizing all the "wrong" I have in my life, I am grateful to be reading The Way of a Pilgrim, set in 19th Century Russia. It makes me wish I could spend countless days by myself in meditation and recitation of the Jesus Prayer until it is part of my being in the same way the Pilgrim describes, but that's not where I am right now. One of the things I have found helpful in my own situation, though, is the story he shares of an alcoholic who decided to begin reading scripture whenever he had the urge to drink. He was successful in achieving sobriety using this simple technique. So I think for me, when some of the habits of excellence I don't like very much come up, I'm going to notice them, give myself a little grace, and get back to the Jesus Prayer as a way of adding in a new form of excellence to crowd out those I could really live without. 

Thanks to the Romans, Greeks, and Russians for pointing me in the right direction. Excellence is just ahead!