Lent 4: Foiled Fasting

Today (Wednesday) is usually the day I spend by myself--in silence. It's also the day I have chosen to fast from lunch in order to spend more time in reading, reflection, and meditation. I went to yoga this morning, thinking it would be a nice addition to my regular schedule, and there was a beautiful guided meditation into a place where we "felt" like water and air. I really wanted to get to that spot. I channeled a powerful experience I had several months ago that included both water and air and the beauty each possesses. As I reflected on the experience, it was clear that I was working deeply on letting go. Releasing control. Maybe that's why I was presented with it again today.

Control has been a problem as of late. Life has been unsteady because of things I cannot control. And I'm totally sucked up into it. It's been too difficult to differentiate myself from the chaos that surrounds me. So I let someone else control my time today, and it totally put me in a foul mood. Then, I ate lunch. Sure, I said the Jesus prayer while chewing my super yummy salmon salad, but I was still sort of pissed off in my heart. Angry at myself for letting others have such influence over me and for not speaking up when my boundaries were being stormed.

I shared with a friend yesterday that I feel like I'm living in a Jerry Springer episode, and it does not have an end in site. While I think that adding in fasting for one meal each week and the Jesus prayer whenever I can is a good thing, I'm not finding either to be particularly helpful at the moment.

I'm thinking I need to set aside some time every week to sit in my own misery. Designate a space and time where I will wallow in all the crap that's been dealt me and leave it there. Sort of like the dump--a place I don't want to go very often, and a place I can leave my load of junk without looking back. Hmmm...a new exercise to explore while fasting. Maybe I'll start with dinner tonight.