Habit vs. Intention

Food intimidates me. That's hard to admit, since I'm supposed to be counseling others about it. I think it's because we have overcomplicated food, among other things in this world. The food industry has generated fears around food and then created products to alleviate those fears. It's really messed up, but I find myself getting caught up in it, even though I'm eating mostly whole foods. 

When I feel the most intimidated by food is around trying something new. I've come a long way from where I once was, but I have found myself in somewhat of a rut preparing the same things in the same way over and over and over. Granted, sometimes it's because I've got no creative juice left in me at the end of the day and just need to get some food on the table with no time to search for new recipes, but most often, I'm just doing what's easy and what I know.

This week, I was reminded of the Thirteen Attributes of Godliness shared by Rabbi Rami. Jews chant these attributes when they are feeling cut off from God to awaken to one's true nature as the Image and Likeness of God. The one I remember this week is

El/God the Creator/Creativity

The idea behind this part is that each day is new and fresh and we have the opportunity to avoid repeating yesterday. If we repeat the day before, we are living from habit, not intention. I don't want to live out of habit. I find myself again staring at the awareness factor--waking up to life all around, rather than limping along with the same old stuff.

Without knowing it, Crabtree Farms has presented me with an opportunity to break some of my habitual food prep patterns. We are members of their CSA program, and I love it. It keeps me on my toes to get me out of the "same ole, same ole" rut when it comes to food. Sometimes, food shows up in my box that totally intimidates me. I smile and act like I'm really excited to try something new, making small talk about the new food and how I might use it in the coming week. But inside I'm thinking, "What the heck is kohlrabi? This is the weirdest looking food I've ever seen. What am I going to do with it?" So when my buddy Candice invited me to consider writing the weekly newsletter attached to each box of food and include recipes for the items in the box, I had to do some serious deep breathing to get over the intimidation I felt. My initial response, inside my head, was, "Thanks for this opportunity, but I've got a lot going right now and don't want to take on too much." What I wrote in my email to her was, "Wow! Thanks for asking--I'd love to help do this--let's talk about the details." Let me be clear--I have not been chanting the Thirteen Attributes. How then did this response find it's way to my email outbox?

So maybe I'm making more progress on stepping out there and living with more intention than I realize. I can see it showing up in my spiritual practice, too. I think I may have actually spent at least 5 minutes everyday this last week in scripture reading and/or silence. I ran into my pre-natal yoga instructor and had an impromptu lunch with her, which yielded some great conversation and connection spiritually. I also attended class of a new yoga friend, who is going to be a great resource on my continued spiritual journey. I have set my intention to join a regular class following our next Academy session. All this feels like movement forward--with intention. And that feels really good.

Control

I have really been watching how food gets used in our culture these days, especially with kids. We use it as a bribe, denial, or reward most often. It seems to me like we use food to control how others will behave. As this observation was swirling in my head, my email spiritual adviser, Fr. Richard Rohr from CAC, reminded me of this: Control freaks are usually afraid of losing something.

Um...are you talking to me? Surely not. You didn't read this post. I'm not a control freak. I'm working on letting go. I'm just making observations about what other people are doing. Not me.

I kind of thought I'd made some progress, but then I stepped out of my body for a minute to take an honest look at my life. I have to confess that I have a nice coating of sugar covering up my true self these days. It's a sugar layer because if there is something sweet in the room it must be in my mouth. Unfortunately, the sweet coating doth not a sweet disposition make. It's actually the opposite. I get more possessive and controlling--about everything. Just ask my husband.

So then, what is it I'm afraid of losing? What fear is driving me to over-exert control in all aspects of my life?

I've got no good answers today. But I do have another good quote: "You will never have such security in God as when you realize you can't control God" (Yearning Minds and Burning Hearts, Carney & Long).
As I continue to work on letting go, I pray that my security in God will gradually wipe away my fear and my need to control will melt away this sugar outer-coating.

Order

Howard Thurman gave me a great gift today. I have been spending a good part of my day on Wednesdays reading and sitting in silence. Part of my reading has been to complete Disciplines of the Spirit. While it has had some wonderful insights all along, the final paragraph was exactly what I needed to hear. Here's an exert:

"The experience of love is either a necessity or a luxury.

If it be a luxury, it is expendable;
if it be a necessity, then to deny it is to perish."

I cannot get away from thinking of everything now as either a necessity--absolutely, positively cannot live without it--or a luxury--it's nice to have, but I won't die if it fades. Wow. 

Clearly food is a necessity, and I've already posted some about the food that's best for me--the necessary fuel to fill me with more love and compassion for the world. I've been thinking about other life giving things, as well as using these terms to help me order decisions surrounding me at the moment.

Because I did not get enough silence and time alone over the holidays, which I know I need, I have not been compassionate friend #1 to anyone the last several weeks. Including myself. So that's where I'm starting today. I have already begun to ask what is necessary for this moment--a clean kitchen or 20 minutes of silence and deep breathing? everyone in bed early or time together having a "dance party"? clean clothes or cat nap on the couch? talking to a friend or a trip to the gym? taking one more night-time client or setting aside time with my spouse?

Thank you, Mr. Thurman. I pray that this new order for my life will keep this person from perishing.

yes = no

I just read a wonderful Daily Meditation that was just the inspiration I needed. I'm feeling really stuck and unmotivated in the new year and just pretty much bleh, especially concerning my spirituality. So I was surprised to have an email spark something in me today.

The underlying message was this: Christianity has moved a long way from what Jesus instructed as a path for our lives. He was all about our lifestyle--how we interact with the world--which is something we have to work on each day. It never ends. Unfortunately, we have made Christianity more about "what I believe" (or don't believe for that matter), which involves no action. We can live inside our heads forever and have no real life change as a result. I like the idea of thinking about Christianity as a lifestyle, rather than a list of "Yep--believe that" and "Nope--can't go with you on this one."

Of course, I have to relate this to food. There is a lifestyle component to food, too. I have set my lifestyle up in such a way to accommodate my food choices. It's important to me to know where my food comes from, to prepare my own food, and to share it around the table with people I love. It takes planning and work everyday. Because I've said, "Yes" to this way of life, I have had to say, "No" to many things (like  McDonald's, high fructose corn syrup, hydrogenated oils, and a host of other things, but I digress). 

Same with an intentional Christian lifestyle choice. I have to work on it all the time. As I understand or encounter the Divine in a new way, my lifestyle changes in small ways or in dramatic, larger-than-life ways. It strikes me that this is what Jane was talking about when she mentioned that we have spiritual practices in our lives already. We just have to recognize and claim them as such. I've got to wake up to how I'm actually living and see if it is actually part of a Christian lifestyle.

Is 2010 my "Yes!" year? I've done a pretty good job claiming "Yes!" with exuberance and determination as it relates to my food. I'm ready to have that same zeal in defining and claiming my Christian lifestyle.